Women Who Are Lonely in Life Often Display These 10 Behaviors Without Realizing It, Psychologists Say
Is loneliness a health hazard? Psychologists believe it is, though people may overlook it.
“Loneliness has very real and significant impacts on mental and physical health, social support systems and even lifespan,” explains Dr. Gayle MacBride, Ph.D., LP, a psychologist with Veritas Psychology Partners. “Loneliness has been linked to anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances, higher cortisol levels, a worsening of chronic conditions and even increased difficulty recovering from health events.”
Recognizing the signs of loneliness in yourself and others is the first step to healing. However, that’s not always easy—especially for women.
“Women, in particular, are more likely to internalize loneliness, believing that this is not something they can control and that they are lonely because something is wrong with them, which manifests in shame,” says Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., a psychologist with Phoenix Health. “This can result in a destructive shame cycle that reinforces loneliness.”
Break free of the shame cycle. Psychologists share 10 behaviors women who are lonely in life often display without even realizing it.
Related: 14 Signs of ‘Deep Loneliness’ To Look Out For, Psychologists Warn
10 Common Behaviors of Women Who Are Lonely, According to Psychologists
1. Social isolation
This one can creep up on people; a “No” RSVP here or brushing off not getting invited to a happy hour there can snowball.
“Social isolation is one of the primary signs that a woman might be lonely. She is either not being invited into spaces—she is being purposefully left out—or does not have spaces to join,” says Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. “This feeling of being left out or not included can certainly lead to feeling lonely.”
Other times, Dr. Guarnotta says some women purposefully leave themselves out by avoiding social situations and interactions when invited.
“This could be because these types of situations cause her to feel anxious, or because she fears getting close to others,” she reports. “When she is invited to social or work functions, she may find a way to get out of them.”
2. Excessive busyness
“I’m busy” may be a common reason for a turned-down invite to socialize. Having tons to do can make someone seem like they’re social, connected butterflies. However, excessively busy women could also experience deep loneliness.
“Some people who are lonely are the busiest of women—the woman who is ‘doing it all,'” Dr. Goldman reveals.
Dr. MacBride also warns that over-committing is a sneaky-common behavior seen in women who are lonely.
“Filling your calendar with events and obligations does not mean you feel a meaningful connection and are emotionally supported,” Dr. MacBride says.
3. ‘Quantity over quality’ relationships
It’s possible to “roll deep” without having deep connections.
“Some women can make and maintain relationships fairly easily, but those relationships can be quite surface-level and superficial,” Dr. Goldman explains. “These are relationships of convenience or proximity but often lack true emotional vulnerability. Even though it might appear that there is social connection, emotionality is lacking, which can lead to loneliness.”
4. People-pleasing
Dr. Guarnotta reports that women who are lonely in life will often tie themselves in knots to make others happy in an effort to gain and maintain connections.
“They may always say yes and sacrifice their own needs and desires for others,” Dr. Guarnotta says. “This can also be perceived to be positive by others, but it could lead to burnout and resentment on the part of the people-pleaser.”
5. Excessive positivity
People-pleasing isn’t the only way women will try to mask loneliness.
“Excessive positivity can present as always seeming in a good mood, only displaying positive emotions and being unable to tolerate more negative emotions in self or others,” Dr. Guarnotta points out. “While—in some ways—this may be a likable quality, it could turn some people off if they feel like it’s disingenuous.”
Related: People Who Felt Lonely as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
6. Chatty internal critic
Dr. Jan Miller, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks, says lonely women are often extremely hard on themselves.
“She may notice an increase in her internal critic or negative voice that reinforces the core belief that something is wrong with her, making her believe that is the explanation for her loneliness,” Dr. Miller says.
7. Hyper-independence
Independent women are celebrated—and for good reason. However, hyper-independence can also be a flag for loneliness.
“Lonely women may appear to be very independent,” Dr. Guarnotta explains. “They may prefer to do things on their own rather than ask for help. If someone offers to help, they may not accept it. This keeps them from getting hurt or let down by others.”
8. Digital escapism
A constant connection can be a surprising sign that a woman feels disconnected.
“Hours of scrolling, binge-watching and frequent social media posting can be an attempt to replace connections,” Dr. MacBride says. “Some even use this to feel close to online or social media personalities.”
9. Remains in unhealthy relationships
Not all connections are worth keeping. However, a woman who feels she has no one else may feel trapped in a no-win situation: stay in an unhealthy relationship or go and feel lonely.
“When you feel lonely, you can be very fearful of giving up the connections you do have, even if they are toxic or draining,” Dr. MacBride explains. “It can be hard to hold a boundary and walk away when you are emotionally drained but fearful of the abyss of truly being ‘all alone.'”
10. Poor self-care
A lack of connection with others can affect how a woman treats herself.
“She might notice a decrease in self-care, such as eating regularly, grooming habits and engaging in hobbies,” Dr. Miller says. “These changes could be a reflection of depression connected to loneliness as well as an overall sense of ‘why bother?'”
Related: This Is the Exact Age When We Tend to Feel the Most Lonely—and What to Do About It
Psychologist-Approved Tips for Dealing With Loneliness
1. Recognize your feelings
Dr. Goldman says it’s crucial to recognize and acknowledge that you feel lonely.
“Take time to figure out what it is that you feel when you feel it and then try to determine if there are reasons as to why you might feel this way,” Dr. Goldman suggests. “Be curious about the feelings and when they are present. Be honest with yourself about your emotions.”
2. Seek help
Working through your loneliness with someone—as in a licensed mental health professional—can be incredibly useful.
“Since women tend to internalize this issue, they may benefit from seeking the help of a therapist to help them better understand the roots of their loneliness and ways to detach from the internal critic,” Dr. Miller says.
3. Get involved
Dr. Guarnotta says getting involved in a club or activity, like an adult softball league, exercise class or book club, lets you meet other people. However, it also often involves taking a giant step outside your comfort zone.
“Most people feel very nervous when taking this step, often because they are worried that they will be rejected in some way,” Dr. Guarnotta acknowledges. “To help combat this, ask yourself questions like, ‘What is the worst that can happen?’ and ‘What would I do if this did happen?’ This can help you realize that rejection may be uncomfortable but not unbearable.”
4. Reach out to someone you lost touch with
We can naturally lose touch with old friends and colleagues, but that doesn’t mean the connection is gone for good.
“Sometimes, reaching out to someone from your past can feel less scary than jumping into a new social circle,” Dr. Guarnotta says. “Write down a list of past friends or acquaintances and reach out to them.”
5. Be you
Whether you’re reaching out to an old friend or trying to make a new one, Dr. MacBride encourages you to show up as yourself.
“Don’t try to be like everyone else and just fit in,” she advises. “Think about places where you feel true belonging and cultivate that.”
If you’re unsure, Dr. MacBride suggests experimenting with a few types of settings to see what feels like a good fit.
6. Embrace alone time
Surprised to see this one here?
“There is a difference between being alone and being lonely—at the same time that you are taking steps to build your support system, you also want to work on getting more comfortable with being alone,” Dr. Guarnotta reminds us. “Being alone means being by yourself and enjoying your time. This differs from loneliness, which feels painful.”
So, yes, give solo time a gentle hug and let it return the favor.
“Consider activities that you like to do by yourself,” she says.
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